Wasted Girlfriends

Does your girlfriend get wasted at social events? Mine does too. Here's how to deal with it:

1. After she orders her first drink at the bar, tell her to go a head back to your group of friends while you go to the bathroom.
Say something crude like "I gotta drain the main vein" so she'll roll her eyes and just leave. Then, talk to the bartender and explain your problem. Ask him or her to just start mixing your boo bear's drinks on the light side. If you're baller, then offer to pay the same or to make up the difference in tips. If you're not, or are just kind of a prick then fuck it. That's her problem. The only thing that might not work with this is that drinking might be psychosomatic, meaning, I think, that if she thinks she's drinking she'll just be drunk. Basically, she'll act drunk but you're chances of getting laid won't go up.


2. Show her what its like to take care of someone thats wasted.
Make a deal - she takes the night off and either doesn't drink or, if she can control herself, doesn't drink as much while you on the other hand, get to face as many high lifes and shots of beam as you want. A few hours later YOU'RE the one hitting on HER friends, singing obnoxiously to Britney Spears (she actually likes Britney Spears, you secretly like Britney Spears - its whatever), falling constantly on the dance floor, and making demands to not go to THIS Taco Cabana dammit - but THE GOOD Taco Cabana. If she's cool she'll take care of you but get annoyed and see how much it sucks to baby sit someone all night. If not, then fuck it. You got drunk, affirmed your suspicion that you could fuck her friend Kim, got to hear Womanizer at least twice and got some Taco C. Win/Win.


3. Stop taking her to social events.
I mean, that's it. It's that simple. When she asks, "why don't we ever go out anymore?," tell her. Be honest; be blunt if you have to. "Your drunkenness is a pest and I don't want it around my children, pets and food." Provide proof via myspace and facebook photos and the logic behind the fact that if you have to untag yourself from other people's images because you're about to start looking for a new job - you might have... you know... a thing. The only down side to this is that, well, you don't get to hang out with your girlfriend after 5PM. Although technically it is five o'clock somewhere, so I guess that means you won't be able to hang out with her ever which I guess is probably going to impede on your sex life, emotional support and general ability to find excuses to watch Bridget Jones' diary every few months.


4. Start smoking pot with her.
Seriously. If you don't already, buy some from that guy you used to play in a band with in high school (or college, or still play with today) find yourself an apple and go to town. First off, she might not even want to go out drinking anymore. Suddenly playing wii tennis seems like a much better idea. Rad. Secondly, if she does go out and gets wasted she might be one of the many people that can't mix the two. A night puking in slow motion might just cure all. Thirdly - wait. What was the third thing? I don't remember but I know that it was really good and was what convinced me to take this route. Anyway.


5. You could, honestly, just talk to her about it.
The problem with that is that is that you run the risk of getting the tables turned on you. "You watch porn." Dammit, she's got you there. Not sure how she figured that out because you constantly clear your history but she's right even though it doesn't have anything to do with anything. "I only drink so much so I can feel comfortable showing public displays of affection". Dammit, she's got you there, especially if you hate PDA because there's no way to tell her you don't like it with out being a prick. Unless you are a prick, then I guess it's okay. But honestly that's the risk you're going to have to take because this is ultimately the only way to hash out the problem and let her know that its getting kind of old. It's cool to drink and have a good time - even too good of a time. But when night after night after night gets ruined, well, it's time for the talk. On the plus side, she always sits you down for long boring talks so now you get to do one. Anyway, Kim always stays reasonably sober. Throw that in there too for good measure.

Name: grimes
Date posted: January 26, 2009 - 05:37 pm
Message:

cpl. honest,

what? no. what? even if we ever were "impeccably sober" i doubt we'd want to find someone that was. never say never though.

wait, are you saying you're impeccably sober? if so, tell Ian i'm sorry for carding him at blackcat three years ago.

Name: cpl. honest
Date posted: January 14, 2009 - 09:11 pm
Message:

6. dump the chick and find someone as impeccably sober as yourself?

Name: mike
Date posted: January 10, 2009 - 09:27 am
Message:

haha, All of my relationships start at step 4...if it cant get past that....hope you have a full tank of gas homegirl.

Name: Nathan
Date posted: January 07, 2009 - 10:29 am
Message:

Mr Grimes. You've done it again. Genius!

Name: Ashton Thomas
Date posted: January 06, 2009 - 08:25 pm
Message:

Know this bitch...Dated this bitch...HATED this bitch!!

Name: Willily
Date posted: January 06, 2009 - 08:03 pm
Message:

uhmuhguh i know this girl

Name: Jose
Date posted: January 06, 2009 - 07:47 pm
Message:

haha, nice. Which ones would those be?

Name: Jeff
Date posted: January 06, 2009 - 06:26 pm
Message:

Is it weird that you've seem me do at least 2 of these things already?