The Gentleman's Overnight Stash

She's easily the hottest girl you've ever hooked up with and how you pulled it off will be a tale you retell to friends for at least the next five years. Or maybe she looks like Adam Sandler - that's not important. The point is that you find yourself all the way in Cleveland Park miles away from your apartment, your office or campus, your friends and your cats (quick shout out to Dr. Chocolate and Mr. Gentleman - love you guys!)... basically everything you know and are familiar with. What if your fantastic pull happens on a weekday and you've got to make it to work or class by nine? You're hung over and not sure if you've got enough time to get home, change and make it in. You've killed off every family member you have in late excuses and now you might lose the job that you hate almost as much as you need. Fuck. If only you'd been prepared.

Well Gentlemen, here's how you can be prepared for next time, because there WILL be a next time. District of Columbia STD statistics be damned.

First things first - do you have a car? If the answer is no then please feel free to skip to the end of this article as the bulk of what will be discussed here has to do with items to be kept in your trunk. I'll address our car-less comrades at the end. Thank you.

Obviously you're going to want to keep things light, simple, essential and effective. If you're headed to the office from her place, keep a starched white shirt and a neutral tie in a sheer suit bag or even in the plastic it comes back in from the cleaners in your trunk at all times. Clean it or swap it out for a new one every two weeks to avoid tire cleaner smell. Don't worry about the blazer, belt and slacks if you're wearing the same ones as the night before. As long as your shirt and tie are different no one, literally, no one will notice. If you're the kind of guy that likes to change before he goes out then simply keep a spare outfit in your trunk folded neatly along with a steamer at your office or cubicle. Get there early and steam out the wrinkles and then proceed to IM and myspace your friends all day while checking sports scores and finding new ways to look busy.
If you're a student the concept is the same though you're classes are probably tiered so wearing the same thing two days in a row isn't the end of the world because those that saw you Monday probably won't see you until Wednesday. However if you'd like to participate then you're lot is a little easier. Start or continue wearing dry/raw denim so you can have the excuse of breaking in a new pair when someone takes notice of the same pair of jeans. Of course they're the same pair! They've been worn every day for four months and haven't been washed because you don't like the "inauthentic look of washed jeans". Perfect. Keep a Sonic Youth T-shirt and an American Apparel hoodie within reach at all times and you're golden.

Next up gentleman comes the difficult task of grooming outside of your comfort zone. Her shower probably looks like a dungeon level from The Legend of Zelda with some sort of giant flying pterodactyl boss you've got to beat just to get clean. You're the kind of guy that needs a morning shower to get the day started and that's fine. However, you're going to have to suck it up today. So what do you do? Easy. Unless you have OCD you can live for eight to nine hours without a shower.

If you're like me, going to the baby aisle in Target freaks you out. It's like you think by being around products for children you might somehow tempt fate and end up with one of your own. With any luck though, you're not like me and can go get baby wipes to hold you over until you can get a shower on your lunch break. It's gross, it's gross, I know. But desperate times call for desperate measures and right now getting out of this girls apartment is priority one.

In the toothbrush aisle of any major chain drugstore on the top of the shelf are these tiny travel sized toothbrushes and are individually wrapped and cost a little under a dollar. Sounds easy enough but what you want to look for is the ones that have the toothpaste ALREADY APPPLIED TO THE BRUSH. It's fucking genius. Easily the single greatest invention since the paper toilet condom. Keep a stash in your car or in your desk. Add water and you're set.
I'm not one for product placement but you really should switch to Degree deodorant if you haven't already. I don't know what they put in it - probably midi clorians from the blood of dead Jedis or something - but it works. Almost too well.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking right now. You're all hyped up because you just read a paragraph where I hype Degree deodorant and are just waiting - begging for me to give your use of AXE body products some sort of legitimacy. Well, sorry. You're dead fucking wrong because if you think that stuff works, is necessary for the modern urban male to use, or that it smells even remotely good - you sir are sadly, sadly mistaken. This isn't college. And even if it is, this isn't Salisbury University. And even if it is, if you're reading this page you're probably an English, art or philosophy major so you should know better.

First off, what made you think to even consider buying such a product? I know I'm the guy that just told you to keep a stash of non-scented baby wipes in your desk but fuck man. I hope you weren't convinced to get their new "Space Paste: For your Nuts" gel based on their advertisements. If you're relying on body spray as an active percentage of your game please do yourself a favor and get out of the game. All you're doing is embarrassing yourself, though, I admit, you do make the rest of us that have invested in colognes by Polo, Diesel, and Calvin Klein look that much better. Also, another tip gentlemen: if he (or she, ladies) has had a top ten hit or a stint on a major television network - do not buy their new scent. Again. Don't. I love Britney and Usher just as much as you do, perhaps even more, but there's a line. Tivo their MTV specials but do not buy their colognes.

Now that you know the general ins and outs of how to keep yourself remotely clean and in a new shirt should you meet the girl of your dreams at Jimmy Valentines or the dog park at Logan Circle there are clearly some other considerations you should bear in mind. You know your pipe game is stronger than Super Mario's and you want to keep it that way so how do you protect yourself during the rando jump off? Easy.
You're going to want to keep a stash of unexpired C's placed strategically through out the city. That was a joke. But you should have a working knowledge of 24 Hour CVS stores as well as a few lone stars on your person at all times. Now. This does not mean that you should keep one in your wallet. First off, they leave a huge ring that just screams "this guy is a jerk - and even worse a jerk that hasn't gotten laid in forever" on your wallet when you go to order a drink. Hell, when you go to pay for your dry cleaning. Keep one in your jacket pocket that zips or snaps shut because the last thing you want is for it to fall out in some sort of horribly written Ben Stiller moment with your boss. Of course keep some in your car - glove box, trunk, etc. Just make sure that the climate control is on point to keep them fresh and also be sure to check the package for holes from time to time. You don't want any slip up lil' homies running around the national mall with Billie Jean's eyes because of a hole the size of a thumb tack you also kept in your trunk.

What kind of C should you get? Well, that's up to you really. If you're smart you'll go straight for the southern dinner (ribs and a cide) to show you care about her having a good time as well as letting the C itself get it's Galaga on and take out your lil' space invaders. Plus the package is a pretty shade of lavender which is cute.

With that gentlemen - I ask that you stay safe, have fun and give some honest thought to finding an actual girlfriend. Seriously. You can't keep this up forever. Even if you stay laid and stay paid it's going to get old quick. Maybe not too quick but it will happen.
Oh and before I forget - if you don't have a car or even an office, campus or practice/rehearsal space and are wondering how to adapt these rules for your own life the answer is simple -- get your shit together, then you won't have to worry about adaptation at all.

Thanks gentlemen.
Your pal,
Grimes

Name: Jeff Scott
Date posted: March 04, 2009 - 09:57 pm
Message:

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WRITE ABOUT MY LIFE!!!

Name: grimes
Date posted: February 13, 2009 - 09:44 am
Message:

leslie: that's actually exactly what i mean - thank you for clearing that up. and also thank you for the reminder that girls don't poop. but do you all pee? because i know some hardcore germans that have proof you do. actually, i dont but r. kelly jokes are played out so. you know, work with what you've got.

ben: seriously, i've loved degree ever since my friend jerry convinced me to smell his arm pits after a really long sweaty band practice and he smelled of cool Swedish breeze or whatever. also, yeah the bathroom thing is pretty much an afterthought - you can't really tell who's going to have a clean one and who will essentially bathe in an outhouse that just so happens to be indoors just by looking at a girl. though that would be a bad ass super power.

presto: exactly. i honestly wonder what their alternative could possibly be, so much so that i'm going to end this sentence with an exclamation point!

Name: Presto P
Date posted: February 12, 2009 - 09:27 pm
Message:

Wow...you read my mind with stashing the C's...I tried explaining this to all my boys and they thought i was joking...You keep a couple in your car's glove box and equip all of your jackets/coats with at least one. The best place is inside the chest pockets or any other hidden pocket in your coat....like a boy scout, always prepared....

Name: Ben
Date posted: February 12, 2009 - 08:32 pm
Message:

Ryan, I just wanted to give you props for your mention of degree deodorant. Seriously, my ears got red from excitement after glancing over that paragraph. Honestly I miss the original non gender specific kind, but I have made due with the male replacements. And on another note, what kinda ladies are you laying down with that have such horrid bathing areas? I dunno, maybe the checking the bathroom for cleanliness is an afterthought.

Name: leslie
Date posted: February 12, 2009 - 12:18 pm
Message:

if the dungeon levels from the legend of zelda look like a first class broom closet in buckingham palace and smell like roses and french champagne, then yes, you've clearly defined a woman's bathing receptacle. our powder rooms are immaculate. might i remind you clever gentlemen that girls don't poop. ever.