Cumming with You

So if you've been lucky enough to see me in person, or in my picture, then you probably know that I work out -- a lot. I am a realist, and I know how dangerous the world can be. If somebody tries to assault me for the keys to my '99 ford escort, they will receive nothing short of a devastating blow to the forehead from one of my massive guns. Anybody that looks at my girlfriend or happens to look like a pussy, naturally, will suffer the same fate. Hey, I don't make the rules. But protection is just one of the reasons I load up on the protein. Attracting the ladies is the other.

Let's be honest, everyone can't have a british accent. The rest of us guys need rippling triceps to get those college girls to stick around after getting us to buy them a drink. If we're lucky then they will stick around long enough to see us employing those triceps in the brutalizing of those pussies that were talking shit to us at the last bar. There is nothing like a quality night of drinking to reap the full benefits of the fit lifestyle that one gets from the gym.

For me, the greatest benefits of musclehood are intrinsic. By this I mean that aside from how sweet it is to pick up chicks and kick some ass, the sickest part about the going to the gym is (insert tah-dah sound effect here) the gym itself. The gym experience represents, like most things we do in life, that the beauty is mostly in the process, not the goal. You see, I'm not just blasting my pectorals; I'm also becoming enriched with knowledge and experiencing the joy of communing with my fellow man.

It's human nature to stereotype people, but it should be resisted with vigor -- sweating grunting vigor. Not only does stereotyping promote injustice in communities, but it is detrimental to learning. Unfortunately for people not exposed to the gym world, there is the stereotype that big on muscles means small on brains. People buying into this idea used to anger me, but now I merely pity them. They have never experienced the glow of enlightenment that can only be derived from having a man that benches four hundred pounds, wears spaghetti strap tank tops, and drinks neon-blue beverages from a gravy mixer explain the inner secrets to optimizing muscle cell regeneration. The enlightenment merely begins here. If you stick around long enough, you'll figure out which sort of neon beverage you should be consuming to optimize you're journey. You will also learn how to really express yourself through style; at the gym and at you're favorite "irish pub."

Just because you're a regular at the "pub" doesn't mean that it should be a staple of your diet. If you are paying attention at your fitness institution then you should be learning how to eat right. This means that you need to stop thinking about eating as a time to satisfy your hunger and enjoy one of the most basic pleasures of human existence, and start thinking about eating as a process of putting the stuff you need in your body to help your muscles to get bigger. The biggest thing to remember is that protein is god. You need those muscles to recover faster so you can get in that second leg workout today, and it turns out that a protein shake will help make that happen. Now you might hear a bunch of losers talking about natural foods like fresh fruits, vegetables, and meats being the ticket to a healthy lifestyle, but if you're going to get yourself ready for defending your girlfriend's exposed cleavage this weekend, you need as much nutrition crammed into a milkshake as possible. Other skeptics will say that you ultimately excrete most of those nutrients (evidenced by kryptonite shaded urine), but how could all of the personal trainers and fitness models in the world possibly be wrong. It's not like muscle-development is genetic. Next thing you know people will say that fashion is genetic.

Some people go for vintage at the gym. You will see them in the afore said spaghetti strap tank top with a complimentary pair of parachute pants. Although I appreciate this look, I tend to lean towards the more modern look: a pair of nike shocks, nike ankle socks, under armor shorts, under armor sleeveless spandex shirt, coordinating under armor wrist and head bands, and a spiky haircut to pull it all together. This outfit violates the cardinal rule of only wearing coordinating athletic brands, but since the folks at under armor have yet to come out with a footwear line, provisions have been made. The gym world will also open you up to a the world of style for the outside world to compliment your twenty inch biceps (or 30 inch in my case). By world of style I mean essentially two different looks. Both are much different, but equally effective. On the one hand you've got your classic "beach look." This can be pulled off by rocking your leather sandals, sleeveless hollister t-shirt with enough tightness for nipple protrusion but enough looseness to affirm heterosexuality (unless you want to be a macho man), and plaid shorts. This look can be accompanied by either a gelled up fade haircut, or your classic lacrosse player frat-boy balty look. If your not the beachy type then you can rock any sort of sheen tight fitting shirt with black dress pants and dress shoes. The important thing for this look is to make sure that you have plenty of hair gel, cologne, and a gold necklace.

I can't lie to you all, it's certainly great to be a member of the gym going elite. Since most americans give up athletics for golf and motorsports once they get out of high school (or preschool for that matter), me and my bros are looking better by the minute. I do constantly have to urge them to keep grunting at the gym and fighting at the bars so that people will be to intimidated to join our ranks -- more ladies for us. But I'll let you in on a secret, it's not about fitness or strength, it's about having the biggest muscles. And yeah, I know the bitches probably don't like the guns as much as I would like them too, but I'm addicted to seeing how large my quads will get and the other guys at the gym think it's cool. And the same thing goes for food. It's not about nutrition, it's about muscle building. It's probably not healthy to live on powders that make my belly button tingle during my workout. Once I blacked out from creatine overdose. Do you think I'm happy walking around with this chalky taste in my mouth? I miss what real food tastes like. I would go for steroids but I'm scared of what will happen to my boys (meaning testicles).

Don't tell anybody this, but I cry all of the time. I cry when I drive past pickup football games and schoolyard baseball games. I even cry when I drive past some pansy-ass soccer game or a yoga studio. You see I wish I could go back to those days when fitness meant going and having fun and eating your vegetables for dinner, but then I go and cool my nerves by shooting some protein and adding another inch to my biceps.

Name: Alex
Date posted: January 15, 2009 - 07:43 am
Message:

"The greatest feeling you can get in a gym is the pump...

It[the pump] is as satisfying to me as cumming is. Ya know, as having sex with a women and cumming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I'm getting the feeling of cumming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home, I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage when i pump up, when i pose out in front of 5000 people. I get the same feeling. So I'm cumming day and night its terrific. So you know I'm in heaven."

- Arnold Schwarzaneggar

Name: show some skin.
Date posted: January 14, 2009 - 09:15 pm
Message:

why is this called "cumming with you"? that's disingenuous. no one is coming in or on this article. BUMMER.